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Spring is here!

The coldest winter in years has not been great for the beastfakers. The only faker who actually likes winter climbing managed to smash their leg into bitsize pieces (thankfully nothing worse), and missed the best part of the season.

So we've pretty much just been sitting around scratching our balls, hence the lack of posts.

A week spent in rainy font, although fun, also has not brightened the mood significantly. But the good weather is here now (at this very moment at least), so watch this space for more fakerstyle action.

I tried to go to Penallta last night for a quick solo mission. Clearly I'm going senile in my old age as it is obvious that 6pm on a Friday night at Penallta is going to be Chav central. I saw them lounging at the top of the crag, but thought I would have a go anyway. I made it to within 100m of the crag before the meerkat-like Chav in the green T-shirt spotted me, and the Amber Nectar aerial bombardment began.

So I didn't get any climbing done, but I did finally go and check out Castle Quarry (next to Tafs Well). Quite a grotty little crag really (although it does smell good thanks to all the wild garlic), and it looks like the route that runs up the main drainage line has been tried with axe and crampons, perhaps it formed up over the winter months?

Abseil Andy (to the tune of 'flintstones')

Abseil.

Abseil Andy.

He's a muppet on an abseil rope.

When the

Shit hits the fan.

Out the prussik comes and off he goes.

If he

Sees a rock fall

He's gone like a fatty out of hell.

But back

At the campsite,

he'll be giving it the hero sell.

Beckwith

Abseils with him

'cos he carries all the heavy shit.

Pork pies.

Bars of chocolate.

fourteen pairs of axes - what a tit.

When he

Gets the shakes then

He pulls out a bag of 'Mountain Fuel'

That wieghed

Seven kilos,

Oh my goodness, that man is a tool.

Extreme strolling

With the great British weather doing what it does best, our outdoor cranking has been limited this month. Instead the Beastfakers have been training for winter climbing, honing our nav skills and developing sick levels of stamina in the last bastion of Welsh wilderness - the Brecon Beacons. The weather has thrown some of the most savage conditions imaginable at us, but we pushed on through and emerged victorious (obviously!) There are some rad nu mixed and ice routes we've had our eyes on for a while now - after this structured training regimen, we're on line to tear them down this winter. Here's some photo's for your delectation...

Extreme mappage in a desolate landscape (30mins from civilisation!!!)

Pen y Fan conquered, altitude training phase complete

Testing out some top secret emergency shelter technology, shhh!

We even found time to send a couple of new problems in between the rain on this awesome new crag in the heart of Black Mountain

A snow dusted Cribyn from Neuadd Reservoir

And finally, Napoleon's homage to Weak Andy's wicked sponsorship shot on our Yosemite trip

Is it true?

MD loves Jedward?

Trip Report: A Very Victorious Valley Visit

August, Cardiff: another non-summer = lower than optimal send count.

Solution: head to Cali-forn-ey-eh, go to Hooters, crush some sick big walls and enjoy some of the most stable weather in the world.

----------------------------------------------------

Team Beastfaker travelled to San Fransisco separately so as not to attract the attention of US authorities. With such an acomplished group of hard dudes, we were justifiably concerned that we may have been denied entry once they realised we would be ripping up all their hardest lines. That’s right, this mission was very much under the radar - a black op you might say.

Reconveneing in the relative safety (pardon the pun) of my cousin’s house in ‘Frisco, we quickly set about stealthily achieving some of our main objectives. Excessively large stacks of pancakes were consumed in IHOP, pre-recovery beer pitchers were ordered from tastefully dressed waitresses, and most importantly, our strict training regimen continued in the shadow of the Golden Gate Bridge.

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A few days later we arrived in Camp 4 under the suspicious eyes of Pinky – the ranger in charge of the campsite and imposing a 7 day stay rule in the park. Clearly we were not going to travel halfway across the world to stay for 7 days, and this may have been a problem for many less rad visitors. Fortunately though, we’re well versed in flouting the rules (yeah that’s right, our collective middle name is ‘rebel’) and some amateur smoke and mirrors tactics soon had her fooled, and us a tidy spot to pitch our tents.

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Napoleon and Nacho set about tearing down as much free climbing as they could lay their faking hands on, sending sick lines on notable ‘hard man’ crags such as Glacier Point Apron and Swan Slabs. Meanwhile myself and Fatty Foster (aka Weak Andy), the token non-Beastfaker on the trip (brought along to comply with EU equality regs), set off to crush our first big wall, the mighty S Face of Washington’s Column. This being one of the most fearsome lines in the Valley, we decided to ‘recce’ the route first before fully committing, (nothing to do with being too slow you understand), getting a full 6 pitches up on our first attempt. A few days later, we returned and climbed to Dinner Ledge (the bivi spot) with Nacho and Napoleon, had a crazy bagel fuelled rave that night and then blasted to the top the following day.

..

The rest of the trip passed by in a haze of cutting edge ascents including a team send of Snake Dike on Half Dome, the East Buttress of Middle Cathedral (using the French free variation as we didn’t want to embarrass the locals too much with our rad skillz) and multiple trips up the testpiece that is Royal Arches. The all-you-can-eat buffet was raided. Malt liquor (affordable heaven in a can) and Butterfinger ice creams were discovered in the village store. Hercules and Stevo arrived and Nacho and Napoleon sucumbed to the ravages of the new uni term and returned to the ‘Diff.

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With time running short, myself and Hercules spent three days sending the Leaning Tower, crushing it into a metaphorical gravel, whilst the two non-Beastfakers Fatty and Stevo used their time ‘recceing’ some other walls. Several evenings of fun and frolics were had over Yosemite Facelift Week, with talks from some of America’s finest crankers such as Dean Potter and Peter Croft. (We we’re asked to put on our own slideshow but respectfully declined, not wanting to out-shine the local talent.) Bottomless pint glasses were available for $20 at the event, so much of Facelift week was spent consuming copius isotonic recovery beers. Fighting fit from his summer in the jungle, Stevo led the charge in maintaining the Brit binge drinking reputation, managing to get the average cost of a pint down to something like 30 cents – a top effort.

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Finally with a week to go, we decided to go balls to the wall on the big one – and put a ‘recce’ in on The Nose. The first 11 pitches up to Dolt Tower gave us a valuable insight into the route and no doubt we’ll be back next year to free it in a day.

Highlights:

• Visiting Hooters (obviously!)

• The Leaning Tower – topping out after two days of hauling with no pulley, busting open our last beers and kicking back to a rad sunset and the soothing sounds of Rage Against the Machine

• Watching Timmy O’Neil and Dean Potter, totally wasted, dance to Russian gypsy music on stage at the Facelift

• Team ascent of Half Dome followed by lounging on the summit in the sun for hours

• Minesweeping leftover pizza at Degans Deli – it tastes even better when you don’t pay for it!

• Sending numerous hard, out there lines

_____________
American/English climbing phrasebook:

It’s a jungle out there bro! So here’s some top chat to help integrate yourself with the Camp 4 elite:

Duder: A term of endearment used to address fellow climbers. (Eg – "hey duder how did it go - did you send?")
Heinous: Desperate, hard, unpleasant. Not strictly a US term, but multiple use is mandatory in every conversation with a duder. (Eg – “that rockover looks heinous!")
Hella: Very. (Eg – "this pitch is hella good!")

Cruiser: Easy. Often used to lull unsuspecting Brits into false confidence in their crack climbing ability. (Eg – "yeah duder, that heinous looking offwidth was actually hella cruiser.")
Money: Good. (Eg - "oh yeah, micro nuts are money on pitch 83.")
Business: Tough but fun. (Eg - "bro that hand traverse is business!")
Shank a bitch: To deck someone. (Eg - "that guy just stole my rad FA duder, I'm hella mad - I'm gonna shank the bitch.")

Thanks to our sponsors, Mountain Fuel. The promotional shot that you were after, well, this is the best we got...

Product review

Following on from the exciting news of Beastfaker's sponsorship from Cif Power Scream, there are a few other products we've been using recently to help us increase our gnarl. You may be asking why when we're clearly a ripped bunch of sick hard crankers already, but bro, you can never have enough gnarl! Here's the low down, enjoy...

Beef Chorizo (Res):

Some call it a superfood, others Mana from heaven - all we know is Beef Chorizo (Res) rocks! With such an extensive list of ingredients as "salivary glands, lymphnodes and fat (cheeks & tongues)" you know this stuff is gonna do wonders for you - it's beast food thats for sure. Whoever thought to put that lot together is an evil GENIUS!

Primus Power Gas:

You need something to cook your tasty and nutritious beef chorizo with right? (Of course you do - with those sort of ingredients you need to cook the hell out of it!) Well why settle for normal gas when you can have extreme gas? Here at Beastfaker, we're always striving to increase the levels of extreme in our daily lives and here's a great way to do it whilst cooking, an ordinarily very tame activity - those Primus boys dont miss a trick do they?!

Colgate Duraphat toothpaste:

When I mentioned to my housemate, who happens to be a dentist, that I felt that I was wasting valuble minutes every day being decidedly non-radical whilst brushing my teeth, she immediately recommended me this stuff - Colgate Duraphat. This stuff gives you a durable ability to latch the phattest of phat slopers whilst effectively cleaning and whitening your canines and molars - multitasking at it's best!

Sponsored product: Cif Power Scream

The first product from our new sponsor has arrived, CIF POWER SCREAM! This handy and portable spray is destined to become a standard item in a boulderers bucket. Simply spray onto the greasy hold, brush vigorously with a toothbrush for 2 minutes and follow this by 5 minutes of T-shirt slapping. Hey presto; friction is improved and you'll be looking for your next proj. Go forth and send, duders.

Hello moo cow.

San Fran

The Beastfakers are in San Francisco. We've been training hard with some resistance pull-ups followed by Hooters recovery beers. Fortification occurring. Picture coming soon! Off to the Valley tomorrow for some gnarly shizzle.

Safe.

Summit!!

Congratulations to our friends Steve and Matt of Beast Products who have just summitted The South West Pillar of the Dragons Horns in Malasia, a big, new route. "My index finger became the meat in a 22oz. hammer sandwich, the blow intended for a fiddley number one bird beak (piton) split the pad of my finger"

Respect Steve! Check out their blog here.

This week, Beastfaker have mostly been enjoying...

...esoterica junkie and all action yoga-flexing skinny hero, Pete Whittaker thrutching in some phat, wet chimneys in North Wales.

See him here. Hero.

Wide crack cranking

With just a month to go until Team Beastfaker hit Yosemite (otherwise known by cool kids as "The Valley, duder") we decided that some wide crack training was in order. So off we pootled to the world famous Wintours Leap to put up a gnarly new squeze chimney in the little known North Wall area. Here's a pic of Napoleon styling his way to the sick onsight FA of the burlfest that is 'Freshly Squeezed Faker'. We estimate difficulties to be in the region of E9+, F3-/+, V8-, Font 2a, UIAA VIII, ABO, unless you have a massive cam in which case it is probably more like VDiff. A modern classic and perfect training for America's nastiest - psyched!

More action from the south

Nacho and Crispy spent a week in Cornwall where they ticked some sick lines and gained valuable "E-Points" (the system that trad-climbers use to measure the epicness of their sends). Still, we managed to fit in some sit-starts. Here is Nacho putting in the start on the granite giant, Illustrated Man (E2 5c), which she graded V3 (if you use a mat it would probably only be V1).

Crushed!

The Project

Well, here it is! Finally, I have some photographic evidence of the cute little bouldering crag that the Beastfakers are developing. A crowbar and a bit of acid should tidy it up nicely and it looks like there are a couple of gnarly V1s which would send nicely with a green beanie.

Check out the cave (centre right) with a sick roof for that little piece of esoterica. Sweet.

Romantic city break, beastfaker style

Next time you are on a romantic soloing trip to Rome, check out this peach of a route above the Castel Sant'Angelo. You'll need half a tonnage of gunnage for this one, because you can't fall off.

Worth it for the guns!

Beastfaker have been avidly following the progress of heroes Gaz Parry and James Pearson on their European tour. Their latest video is a must-see, if only for the ending.

All hail their fabulous, sculpted guns!

Pushups: The training system

As mentioned by Hercules, the only thing better than climbing is training for climbing. One of the best ways of training for climbing in our opinion is the humble push up. As with many other training methods, it has the slight disadvantages of not helping your technique and leaving you prone to overuse injuries. However it will:

• Give you big guns
• Let you show off
• Can be done with your top off
  

and, as we all know, this is what training for climbing is all about. After all who wants to look and climb like this guy

When you could be standing around looking like this

Obviously you know what a push up is, I am sure you can already knock off a couple of thousand of them, but you, like most people, are unlikely to be maximising the return of this valuable training tool, this article sets out to help you.


Set up

First write the numbers 1-9 clearly on a piece of paper and place this on the floor. This will be important for the more advanced techniques. Hands 22cm apart, palms down, directly underneath your shoulders, with the paper a readable distance in front of you. Start with straight arms and a straight back. Some people choose to be resting on their toes, body straight, I prefer resting on my knees to further engage my core see here for more info..

Bend elbows bringing your head to the floor, straighten, as you reach the top, count 'one' or the relevant number loudly, this is your base push up on which all the exercises will be based.


Laddering

Where you will have been going wrong is that you initially will have been counting your push ups in increments of one, ie 1-2-3, then rest. While this is fine for a basic workout/warm up, for full intensity you need to increase your increment size, this is where the numbers on the paper will help you work out your increments. A good next step would be 1-3-4, then rest. This may seem simple but you will find the effort of not always counting in units of one will stress you and your body in ways you cannot comprehend.

You can experiment with several different increment combinations, such as 1-3-5-7-9 or 1-4-7 and so on. With laddering it is important to use several different sequences. This will help train a wider range of movement in the arms. Generally, to make this exercise more difficult you can use less hand movements to make it to the top, two current benchmarks seam to be 1-4-7 or if you are unbelievably strong 1-5-9, on no account attempt to count past 9, this is simply too difficult and has led the otherwise strong trainer Dan Osman to a painful death. It is, however, acceptable to add large numbers infront if in the presence of others, ie count 1001 - 1003 - 1005.

Touchés

Incorrectly referred to as touches by campus boarders in which they match on a rung, instead this simply means to call out 'Touché' after you complete your final push up of each set, similar to calling a hit in fencing. These technique gives you a greater feeling of satisfaction and, done loudly enough, lets others know how great you are.


Advanced Techniques

If you find you are mastering these techniques, the next step is to vary hand positions by curling one or more fingers of each hand into the palm whilst still maintaining full contact between the palm and curled fingers and the floor. By building this up gradually over the months you will reach the stage where you are able to perform mono and finally nono push ups! Mono is one finger visible on each hand, nono is no visible fingers (looks similar but distinct to a fist).

Concluding points


Remember to follow these instructions, warm and oil up, increment your routine gradually, warm down and have plenty of protein shakes and you will have beasted up in no time. If in doubt, or you are struggling with the increment of four, remember the mantra;

"TOPS OFF FOR POWER"

A Very Brief History of Bouldering

Although the emergence of bouldering as the rock ascension sport of choice is relatively recent, the act of cranking hard on boulders has a much longer history.

For the majority of its history bouldering has been considered part of mountaineering, and the earliest boulder problems were developed in the mid-1800s during the Golden Age of Alpinism. Early boulderers, such as Whymper, Coolidge and Tuckett are often better known for their alpine sends than their bouldering prowess. Many famous problems were developed at this time, including North Sloper of the Eiger (F5a) and Mini-Plan Traverse (F5a+).

In the early 20th century the bouldering community turned its attention to the greater ranges and to some of the world’s highest boulders. The defining problem of this era is the Hillary Step (f.a. S Tenzing), which at 8,760m is the certainly the world’s most famous highball. Originally ticked without a boulder mat and graded K3+ in the obsolete K-scale, it is now a crimpy F5a.

After the war, and despite the best efforts of the Climber’s Club, bouldering went into somewhat of a decline. Some of the leading climbers at the time, such as Brown and Whillans, lacked vision and just weren’t nails. Others, such as Bonington, looked like a twat in a beanie.

It wasn’t until the 1980’s and the arrival of the messiahs Moffat and Moon that the world finally basked in the true glory of bouldering. Moffat and Moon showed us the path to true enlightenment with problems such as Jerry’s Crimp (F8a) and Ben’s Left Sidepull High Right For Good Jug (F7c+). What’s more they were ripped dudes and looked the bomb in a beanie.

...and the rest is history!

Kendal Wall - North Face

In anticipation of a Beastfaker big-walling trip at the end of the summer; last weekend I met up with my experienced friend phat-fingers magee who gave me some tips and showed me this awesome video of his new route. Pretty sick line I'm sure you'll agree.

Contact the Beastfakers

Well, in the interests of progress, we have now acquired an email address.

Want to find out a little bit more about pull ups from Hercules but too ashamed to admit that your guns are the size of Poddington Peas?

Want to pick the brain of Mountain Dad and invite him to a private rendez-vous chez nous?

Well, now you can contact us at beastfaker@live.co.uk

Professional Help

Now, we all know the only thing better than climbing is training for climbing. So much so that the elite ( ie the beastfaker crew) focus mainly on this aspect.

I know what you're all thinking on the subject of training - there's just not enough information about to help you on your quest. Take http://www.beastskills.com/nohandOAC.htm for example. Where's the beta on this technical move? As far as i can see, only "and then collapse to the ground and massage your wrist" gives useful, practical insight.

Other inferior websites will also give tips for training the often tried, mainly failed 'one armer', but I think here at Beastfaker we can do better. So, if you're struggling with this particular move and want coaching, I can be hired for just £30/hr (I'm not greedy)- oh and don't expect free tips down the wall ya cheeky bastuds, I know what you're like.

For this you can expect professional and insightful hints such as 'pull harder', 'try the up-bit now' and 'work those guns.' I generally only demonstate 'what not to do' as I find this an encouraging method of teaching, plus, although well read on this technique, I havn't actually had a 'chance' to try the move. Ok, maybe £20/ hr?

Operation Get Stacked

I love it when a plan comes together - having just been given the all clear from work to go tear up the alps, myself and Crispy will now be embarking on a rigorous ‘build up’ training regime. It’s a well known fact that in order to perform at the highest level in the alpine environment, you must be as ripped as possible. This shouldn’t be difficult for a pair of dedicated mountain athletes such as ourselves but nonetheless we want to ensure success on what will no doubt be groundbreaking ascents of the most nails routes Chamonix has to offer. Fortunately we have a good base level of boudering and indoor climbing fitness and this should translate well to those tricky sit starts that are so often a feature of routes in the mountains. In addition to our usual thrice daily protein shakes, campus boarding and iron pumping sessions we will also be heading into the savage wilderness of the Brecon Beacons for a few after work strolls and possibly an occasional jog around Roath Park Lake. Expect to see six packs and (even bigger than usual) guns within the month – phat!

Font report - team ruggedly handsome

Wow what a trip. Team ruggedly handsome (consisting of myself, Mountain Dad, Fortified Maddy and the Chivs) had been preparing our stubble for months. Attentively grooming and trimming. And boy was it worth it. Phatties were slapped, pockets were crozzled, tendons shredded, problems crushed and placed in the appropriate bin for recycling.

Climbing highlights included Fortified Maddy crushing a very long standing (4 years) problem. Given the length of time it took to do, it must be around the Fo-8a mark, SICK! (NB: Fo for fortified). The Chivs left a trail of paraffin up Gravitron and La Marie Rose, AWESOME! Mountain Dad stuck numerous red phatties, ALLEZ! I put my mono training to good use, completing several pull ups using various pockets. BAGUETTE!

Some memorable moments include Maddy becoming very fortified on port, MD showing his prowess in cocktail making AND drinking, lying like a starfish under the stars, Mountain D.I.L.F, werewolves, spinning fire things, spartans playing the sticks game, big fires, short shorts, slack lines, le vin, du pain et du boursin!





Top quotes:

About Mountain D.I.L.F - "He can slap my slopers anyday"

Woman - "Im afraid ze fishermen aaaare blocking ze port"
Crispy - "Oh no, shall we call the navy?"
MD - "Yeh, WE have a good one."

Maddy - "Im fooooorrtified!"

Paul - "Mat, are you a werewolf?"
Mat - "Yes, i mean NO! NO!"

more to come....

A limmerick for Crispy

There once was a boy named Chris
Who didn't know how to kiss
He spat and he bit
And he'd often get hit
But nine out of ten times he'd miss
-Fortified Maddy

A limmerick for Mountain Dad
There once was a dad named mountain
Who never gave cause to doubt him
He was strong and bold
As he was grumpy and old
And the second you saw him you'd mount him
-Fortified Maddy

A limmerick for the french fishermen
We once got stuck in Dunkirk
Because of the striking french twerps
We were saved by the red cross
Who were a big pile of toss
And we all ended up late for work
-Fortified Maddy

My First New Route

I have owned a full set of allen keys for a while now and at the back of my mind there was always my desire to do some new routing, the only question was where? The answer was so obvious that I should have realised earlier, my local indoor wall. Some people have said that the leading there is of little significance and certainly not worth the trip. It also has the advantage that the lead routes are changed infrequently, combine this with the fact that it is quite far from a good lead wall and there is a chance that someone might even climb it other than me.

Now, though not completely ethical I have decided to put up this route without consulting any of the wall staff, but sometimes you have to push the boundaries to achieve your dreams. My method was to take advantage of quiet periods at the wall and get to work discreetly with my allen key. Also, in order to remain under the radar, I was constricted to simply rotating some of the holds on an existing route.

The route of choice Blue, f7a, that I have felt all the holds on many times, perhaps a 1 star route but I felt that it could be improved. Its main fault as I saw it was that all of the positive holds were in the wrong orientation, so holds that should be jugs had been placed as undercuts! A few rotations of my allen key soon remedied this. I also feel that routes indoors do not replicate the outdoor experience as they should, so I loosened some of the holds on the surrounding routes that were not essential to my masterpiece, to recreate a true quarry experience. 

Creating the route and working the route was not without incident. On some occasions I had difficulty persuading anyone of the merit of my route (fools) and was forced to work alone. This meant staying under the height of the first bolt, pretending to boulder, in line with wall rules. On one of these occasions, whilst working the start, I fell and actually decked, probably falling upwards of 2000 mm.

After weeks of work my project was complete now for my redpoint attempts and indeed the first ascent. I managed to persuade a friendly, though inexperienced climber at the wall to hold the ropes for me, I just hoped he could belay.  Conditions weren't ideal; whilst maintaining my allen keys I had managed to smear grease not only on them but on my shoes, but rather than waiting for better conditions, or cleaning my shoes, I decided it was time to go for it.

First attempt:  unfortunately the afformentioned grease on my shoes caused me to take an unfortunate fall as I went through the mid section.

Second attempt: thrown off by one of the loose footholds on the neighbouring red route that I attempted to utilise through the crux section, serves me right for creating such an authentic experience!

Third attempt: I was now tired but composed myself for one final attempt, I gave it my all and suddenly everything flowed, I found new sequences using some of the loose red holds, but given their looseness, if anything they add to the difficulty. I neared the top and for me the crux, I was facing a clip from what had been a poor undercut, feeling my grip loosening I leapt for the chains (a la Rain Dogs), grabbed them, clipped and lowered. Redpoint completed!

I persuaded my belayer to climb it, unfortunately he was new to climbing and had never led so top roped it instead, he enjoyed it but agreed that the grease (from my shoes) on some of the holds made it difficult.

Now for the all important question of the grade, I didn't want to make a Pearsonesque mistake so I took my time with this.  Originally 7a, my belayer suggested with its modifications it may be 6a, however he is a complete beginner and not really able to accurately make such calls. I on the other hand have worked hard routes before and this route also felt very hard to me. Add in the potential to deck if you have not got any safety back up, the dodgy belaying, the grease on my shoes and some of the holds and the loose holds on the adjacent route and I feel confident in giving a grade of F6b+, it is certainly at least that to onsight.

Some people may disagree, or mention that sport grades are defined solely on the absolute technical difficulty of the route with pre-placed draws, or that grabbing the chains is not normally in. But I challenge those people to onsight this route with grease on their shoes, a dodgy belayer, no in situ draws, and with the possibility of not clipping the draws thus creating a decking potential, and not find it in the region of f6b+ (and also not grab the chains).

Blue Thunder, 15m, f6b+ *** - Take the line of blue rotated undercuts to the top, watch out for loose holds on adjacent routes, grabbing chain optional (recommended) F.A. Sidewinder 16/04/2009.

Farewell

Good luck to Mountain Dad and Crispy, one half of Beastfaker off to Font for some boringdull....what was that? Did you say you were tired?

In the meantime, Hercules and myself will be getting up to some gnarly pull ups. With weights and stuff. Sick.

Font

I think its a crap place full of losers that get tired after two metres. Note to self- must work on stamina before they return

Bolting...

I think its a bad idea except for when its a good idea. feel free to keep your oppinions to yourselves

Inspiration

Just been watching an inspiring video from another south wales climber. Have included a small clip with some of my own music. Anywho I'd better get back to work, I'm developing a crozzly pocket for my f-board, watch this space.

A day at the beach

Two of the Beastfaker crew had a day out at the beach today, and being truly dedicated to his training regime, Crispy couldn't resist the urge to hone his guns on some x-treme choss bouldering. Here we see the gun-meister himself flashing a gnarly roof problem with the added spice of the risk of collapse at any moment. A few more V12 pullups on the mono pocket of his fingerboard and it's next stop E14 - rad!

Phat Hats

The humble beanie. A mythical source of gnarl for crankers the world over. When the correct model is combined with a solo pad and the scientifically proven 'tops off for power' approach, even the most bumbly of pebble wrestlers will be flashing sick lines in no time. Trust me, I’m Mountain Dad, and bloddering is my thang. Anyway, as choosing the correct thermal headwear is key to 'nailing your latest proj dude', pay attention to my top headwear tips and you’ll be sending hard quicker than you can say “thumb sprag that crozzly pocket mofo.”

Here we see the classic orange/yellow/grey combination: ideal for crimpy walls and overhangs - you knows it!

Green beanies work really well on grit slabs - be warned though, they are high in friction but low in power, so a poor choice for vertical or overhanging lines.

On the left: red/gold - break out this bad boy for slopers, gastons and pinches...

...and right: blue/yellow/red - another useful arrow in your beanie quiver, these aid tendon and skin recovery.

Vertical stripes give you power for roofs. 

Also note the prominent 'Prana' logo - these tend to up your ability by a minimum of one grade, the bigger the better!

Cabbage patch beanies: why not try one on your next arete attempt, they help prevent barndooring - Hercules knows it, he aint no fool when it comes to beanie selection!

And finally, hard beanies (also known as helmets) - save these for longer sends (also known as routes/proper climbing).

Now, go forth and power scream your way to glory!

(PS - does anyone know how to get this f-ing formatting to work without putting full stops in all over the show?!!!)

[edit by sidewinder, log into draft.blogger.com, a beta version and you can drag them]

Philosophy and Cheddar.

So, a good friend of mine alerted me this week to the philosophy of nothingness and holes in cheese. Holes in cheese do not exist, because holes are an absence of cheese, and therefore the holes don't exist, and so there are no holes in cheese.

Or something.

Grades, let's mass debate

We NEED grades.

Without them, how could we boast loudly in the pub? How will we know who has the biggest guns and the testicles to match? How will we know who was the first person to climb E-whatever? These are important questions. That's why I'm glad that these chaps are going to set the record straight for all of us. And what's more, they are going to write all about it on the internet so we can devour every word of wisdom! YUM.

Toothbrushes

An obviously essential tool for the soloist. I, however, have a gripe. The metolius bouldering brush is not fit for its primary purpose; it is too big for the average mouth. Everyone knows the rule is that once you retire your toothbrush, you can then use it for bould- sorry, soloing. The only exception to the rule being if you buy one of those multipack 10 for a pound jobby's, you may then use one of them for soloing.

The result of these observations and 'setting down of the rules', is the conclusion that metolius should make a useable toothbrush (or at the very least a sticker that can be neatly applied over the colgate logo). Those in need of a new toothbrush would thus be able to satisfy their climbing purchase needs (the toothbrush should not be priced lower than £6, otherwise the need will not be satisfied) and at the same time maintain oral hygiene.

Solo pads

Had God revised his commandments in the year 2000, he would have almost certainly added an 11th.

'Thou shalt not 'boulder', you fanny."

Seductively spanking pebbles with a T-shirt whilst moaning about the temperature and deliberating over the arrrival of something called the 'jew point', sounds like something Hitler is experiencing in Hell rather than a noble pursuit.

The picture below shows a selection of 'solo-pads', a term coined by my chinese friend in Nottingham, jonnie reighton. Solo-pads can save your ankles should you fall whilst soloing, but the downside is that you get fewer cahoona points for using them.

The smallest one should be good for routes up to 10m. The medium one up to 15m and the large one up to 20m. Stack them on top of each other and you could climb to 40m in relative safety!! Remember to always wear a helmet when soloing. The body can sustain huge impacts, but a slight tap on the head could see you slapping pebbles before your time.

Welcome, prepare to discover something...

Welcome friend. I know what you're looking for. We are looking for it too, and we are finding it.

The passion, the stoke, the psyche, the je ne sais quoi, the 'oh my god that's some funky shit'... Parts of the soul too deep to be exposed by the ebbing tide of daily life.

Don't worry my friend. You don't have the cahoonas or the time to join us on the quest. So sit back, grab a cup of tea and perhaps even a croissant (or two), and enjoy.